Life has been a roller coaster ride as usual. Teaching going better then expected apparently. I have had numerous calls and emails asking what classes I will be offering soon. I am hoping to add a few new classes soon. The magazine is flowing nicely and since I have pushed the publication date back to August. Once the weight of a deadline looming over me I have been able to write and edit several articles.
I received my wheelchair from TriCare finally. I can stand on my own my need of a wheel chair is for support of my leg and prevent further deterioration if my spine. I have been practicing with it every day as prescribed by PT and OT. After day one I hurt in places I didn't know I had just from rolling around the mall. Day Two was better when I practiced at the zoo. I will post some photo's later. I am thinking of knitting or crocheting some pretty covers for the arm and leg rest as well as pads for my seat. Perhaps out of bamboo to wick sweat and reduce moisture that can cause skin breakdown.
I also sat and had a long chat with a fellow knitter who happens to be wheelchair bound full time. She too can walk without it but her independent mobility is far less then mine. I discussed my feeling about needing the chair for work and feeling like a fraudulent person when I'm in it. I feel like I'm spitting in the face of those who cannot walk at all. She didn't try to discount my feelings. She said she went through the same thing when her time came to realize that she could live a better life for not only herself but her family as well if she accepted the chair. She was able to go to the zoo and amusement parks without dragging or being so doped up on pain medication that she hardly remembered the day. Wow! Here is a woman I have never met who is giving me permission to empower myself as well as my family by accepting my chair. It was such a relief to speak with her and be given permission from someone who has so obviously been in my shoes so long ago. She dealt with the relatives who looked down on her use of mobility devices when she can walk around by herself. When those same people complained when she was slow or in so much pain that her only relief came from massive doses of heavy duty pain killers. She was in her 30's as well and already took such high doses of things like dilauted and morphine that nothing else worked. She did everything I am doing. She pushed and pushed as I do. She recovered at a remarkable rate as I have. She has endured the very same procedures I am facing in April. And all of it did help make things better. She gained additional mobility and some pain relief. Then one day she hit the wall. Actually the floor would be more like it. She realized that her children were growing up an d her memories of their childhoods were foggy, dream like events not the crisp HD type visions expected of someone her age. She didn't want that for her family anymore. She wanted a real life filled with fun and family and great memories. She wanted to ride the roller coasters, watch soccer games, walk her dogs with her husband and dance with the man she loves. And she wanted to be lucid enough to truly remember it all. To savor every pain free moment and accept every painful detail as a learning experience that strengthened her spirit and was the salt that brought out the flavor of her life. She told me that regardless of religious belief this issue was placed on my door step because some how and somewhere I was deemed worthy and able to bear this burden. Someone believes in me enough to know that I will come out the other end not just with my body and sanity intact but my spirit and being will be stronger and shine more brightly then ever before. And she reminded me that this is but a speck of dust in the whole of eternity.
This chair is not the death of who I was. Though I do mourn that person. I morn the ability to just go. But I'm learning to enjoy planning our family time together. I mourn the perceived loss of being attractive. A mobility device of any kind has changed the way people perceive me. But I have learned that I am outgoing and cheerful enough that most people quickly disregard the chair and soon engage me in wonderful conversations that I never would of had if I was still the woman walking around so self absorbed that she didn't see all beauty and grace in the people around her. I am still learning patients. I have learned that my husband is not just strong and sometimes grumbly but that underneath all, my pain has been hurting him in ways I will never understand. It is from that spot that he displays what I see as anger but in reality is hurt and mourning for the woman he married and anger for what she has become at the hands of someone else. His anger in not being able to protect me at all times from all things. I have learned that I need to not respond to those moments with anger but to try patients and love instead. I have learned that no matter what I look like or how I get around my children still see the inside of me everything else is mere accessories. This makes them even more precious to me.
I have learned that my friends are the rarest of breeds. We make Sex in the City and Cashmere Mafia look like preschool cliques. None of us have such silly concerns as how a huge pimple will affect our career! No we struggle with issues that force us to consistently search for what defines us as people. I struggle with medical and family issues that have put many of us in an institution by now. (I'm saving that for when I have paid vacation time;-) One is mourning the loss of the child she thought her daughter would be and is gallantly doing so while juggling a career and marriage rather successfully with out the use of psychotropic drugs a lesser woman would pop like tic tacs. One is learning how to live after years of dieing. One who is struggling too break free of other peoples definitions of her and trying to get issues resolved that have led to her constant fascination with vodoo dolls. Ouch for some reason I just had a jabbing pain in the side of my head. But out of love and sheer astonishment of this woman I will...not... (ouch!!!!)......retract...(holy CRAP)... that statement. Another of our group is struggling with a long deployment of her husband and defining who and what she wants to be when she grows up. (also a common theme amongst all four of us!) She has become a very driven and focused woman building her own empire one earring, sweater and sex toy at a time. And we love her for every bubbly, tear filled moment of her assent. And for all their struggles they have all found time for me and my struggles. Be it schlepping me to appointments. Forcing me out with my mobility devices in tow. Allowing me to push my self beyond my limits and catching me when I fall. All four of us reach way to high for our humble persons but on the way down we sure do manage to grab some beautiful things.
So enough blubbering and babbling for today. I need to check the Divine Ms. L who is visiting today because she has a bit of a fever and needed some Auntie Shannon time rather then preschool. We have had a very cuddly pajama type of day and she has been napping off and on. But I am sure the moment I step into the shower she will wake and need something.... Preschoolers have a crazy form of telepathy that only kicks in at the most inconvenient time for the adults around them. But I love her anyway and it feels good to be able to take care of her. Even if she is pushing my walker around say "ouch my bach' No I didn't miss spell that it's really how she says it. Then on second thought I wonder if Auntie H made a voodoo doll by mistake...naaaa
I received my wheelchair from TriCare finally. I can stand on my own my need of a wheel chair is for support of my leg and prevent further deterioration if my spine. I have been practicing with it every day as prescribed by PT and OT. After day one I hurt in places I didn't know I had just from rolling around the mall. Day Two was better when I practiced at the zoo. I will post some photo's later. I am thinking of knitting or crocheting some pretty covers for the arm and leg rest as well as pads for my seat. Perhaps out of bamboo to wick sweat and reduce moisture that can cause skin breakdown.
I also sat and had a long chat with a fellow knitter who happens to be wheelchair bound full time. She too can walk without it but her independent mobility is far less then mine. I discussed my feeling about needing the chair for work and feeling like a fraudulent person when I'm in it. I feel like I'm spitting in the face of those who cannot walk at all. She didn't try to discount my feelings. She said she went through the same thing when her time came to realize that she could live a better life for not only herself but her family as well if she accepted the chair. She was able to go to the zoo and amusement parks without dragging or being so doped up on pain medication that she hardly remembered the day. Wow! Here is a woman I have never met who is giving me permission to empower myself as well as my family by accepting my chair. It was such a relief to speak with her and be given permission from someone who has so obviously been in my shoes so long ago. She dealt with the relatives who looked down on her use of mobility devices when she can walk around by herself. When those same people complained when she was slow or in so much pain that her only relief came from massive doses of heavy duty pain killers. She was in her 30's as well and already took such high doses of things like dilauted and morphine that nothing else worked. She did everything I am doing. She pushed and pushed as I do. She recovered at a remarkable rate as I have. She has endured the very same procedures I am facing in April. And all of it did help make things better. She gained additional mobility and some pain relief. Then one day she hit the wall. Actually the floor would be more like it. She realized that her children were growing up an d her memories of their childhoods were foggy, dream like events not the crisp HD type visions expected of someone her age. She didn't want that for her family anymore. She wanted a real life filled with fun and family and great memories. She wanted to ride the roller coasters, watch soccer games, walk her dogs with her husband and dance with the man she loves. And she wanted to be lucid enough to truly remember it all. To savor every pain free moment and accept every painful detail as a learning experience that strengthened her spirit and was the salt that brought out the flavor of her life. She told me that regardless of religious belief this issue was placed on my door step because some how and somewhere I was deemed worthy and able to bear this burden. Someone believes in me enough to know that I will come out the other end not just with my body and sanity intact but my spirit and being will be stronger and shine more brightly then ever before. And she reminded me that this is but a speck of dust in the whole of eternity.
This chair is not the death of who I was. Though I do mourn that person. I morn the ability to just go. But I'm learning to enjoy planning our family time together. I mourn the perceived loss of being attractive. A mobility device of any kind has changed the way people perceive me. But I have learned that I am outgoing and cheerful enough that most people quickly disregard the chair and soon engage me in wonderful conversations that I never would of had if I was still the woman walking around so self absorbed that she didn't see all beauty and grace in the people around her. I am still learning patients. I have learned that my husband is not just strong and sometimes grumbly but that underneath all, my pain has been hurting him in ways I will never understand. It is from that spot that he displays what I see as anger but in reality is hurt and mourning for the woman he married and anger for what she has become at the hands of someone else. His anger in not being able to protect me at all times from all things. I have learned that I need to not respond to those moments with anger but to try patients and love instead. I have learned that no matter what I look like or how I get around my children still see the inside of me everything else is mere accessories. This makes them even more precious to me.
I have learned that my friends are the rarest of breeds. We make Sex in the City and Cashmere Mafia look like preschool cliques. None of us have such silly concerns as how a huge pimple will affect our career! No we struggle with issues that force us to consistently search for what defines us as people. I struggle with medical and family issues that have put many of us in an institution by now. (I'm saving that for when I have paid vacation time;-) One is mourning the loss of the child she thought her daughter would be and is gallantly doing so while juggling a career and marriage rather successfully with out the use of psychotropic drugs a lesser woman would pop like tic tacs. One is learning how to live after years of dieing. One who is struggling too break free of other peoples definitions of her and trying to get issues resolved that have led to her constant fascination with vodoo dolls. Ouch for some reason I just had a jabbing pain in the side of my head. But out of love and sheer astonishment of this woman I will...not... (ouch!!!!)......retract...(holy CRAP)... that statement. Another of our group is struggling with a long deployment of her husband and defining who and what she wants to be when she grows up. (also a common theme amongst all four of us!) She has become a very driven and focused woman building her own empire one earring, sweater and sex toy at a time. And we love her for every bubbly, tear filled moment of her assent. And for all their struggles they have all found time for me and my struggles. Be it schlepping me to appointments. Forcing me out with my mobility devices in tow. Allowing me to push my self beyond my limits and catching me when I fall. All four of us reach way to high for our humble persons but on the way down we sure do manage to grab some beautiful things.
So enough blubbering and babbling for today. I need to check the Divine Ms. L who is visiting today because she has a bit of a fever and needed some Auntie Shannon time rather then preschool. We have had a very cuddly pajama type of day and she has been napping off and on. But I am sure the moment I step into the shower she will wake and need something.... Preschoolers have a crazy form of telepathy that only kicks in at the most inconvenient time for the adults around them. But I love her anyway and it feels good to be able to take care of her. Even if she is pushing my walker around say "ouch my bach' No I didn't miss spell that it's really how she says it. Then on second thought I wonder if Auntie H made a voodoo doll by mistake...naaaa
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